Dinning Out In Juneau Rant

Hello again world. How you been? Do you like dinning out? I know I do. I wonder if there is a way to improve the dinning experience?


Dinning OutJuneau Alaska is a terrible city for dinning out in. Now that is not because the streets can be filled with wild bears at any given moment. No. If you’re new here, don’t let the cities mandatory bear proof trash cans scare you. They are actually common place here and significantly less messy then open lidded trash cans you would find anywhere else in America. (Now, if i could only figure out how to open the damn things). These midget size blue pillars are a constant reminder to everyone to watch your back so you don’t get malled by the angry bears that might not be so angry in the first place if they could figure out how to open the damn trash cans.

I have lived here for two years now and I have dinned out at every restaurant this capital city has to offer me. (Please, for the love of god, when will we finally get an Applebees?) I don’t remember what I originally expected from a city that is home to Senator Ted “The Internet Is A Bunch Of Tubes” Stevens. But I am petty sure I was hopping for something that resembled what normal people in this country consider to be GOOD FUCKING SERVICE.

I am constantly amazed at the lack of any kind of real services or attention span provided by the dinning staff of Juneau Alaska. It’s not to say I don’t have good meals here. As a matter-o-fact I do. (I have had some good steaks, mushroom burgers, and I can honestly say I have found a few salads here that will make anyone feel like a man because they garish it with steak.) But it’s bad enough that all of us who live here have to pay more for food in general because it all has to come over on a damn boat. That’s right, all the food in Juneau is imported in by ships from the lower 48 states. Aside form a few folks who own their own visitable gardens here and are to high and mighty to share out the fruits of their labors, we as citizens of Juneau all get our food from boat shipments.

But that’s not the point. The point here is bad service. My friends and I go into these restaurants that try to pass themselves off as fun, friendly, or even fine dinning, but you all too quickly become made very aware of the fact that you’re entire dinning experience tonight will be filled with nothing but constant interrupted conversations with friends or loved ones because the waiting staff can’t help but ask you if you would like a refill on your drink every FIVE – GOD – DAMN – MINUTES.

Seriously, If my glass is empty just refill it. You can see that it is empty. Why do you have to ask me if i want a refill? Does water cost so much these days that your forced to interrupt a blatantly obvious conversation with your patrons to ask “would you like me to refill your water?”. Fuck yes I want some more water. My glass is empty you moron. Who wants an empty glass? Don’t restaurants teach their waiting staff how to interact with customers anymore?

The next painful hurtle one gets the lovely misfortune to experience while eating out in Juneau, is being asked if your plate can be taken away while you still have food in your mouth. Can anyone give me a one single reason why I should not turn to my socially retarded waitress or waiter and spit out my half chewed man salad all over their uniform so I can answer that question with a loud and annoyed no?

What the fuck is wrong with these people. I get better service from the half stoned illegal Mexican working at the local Wal-Mart when checking out than I do dinning out in the city of Juneau.

Lastly, if you have managed to go through the night without killing any members of the waiting staff, you should be congratulated on the herculean level of patience you possess because it is about to be put to the ultimate test. Getting your fucking bill.

It’s true. Never in my life have I experienced a waiting staff so hell bent on interrupting conversations or asking inappropriate questions at inappropriate times, as I have since I moved to Juneau. But when it comes time to pay your bill the staff starts ignoring your table to a degree that can only be compared to the way a fat girl with zits must feel when waiting for her gay best friend to ask her to the prom. Can someone explain to me the logic in not giving your customers the bill after they are done eating? I swear they must have some kind of pool going on with each other to see who can piss off their customers more or who can make the least amount of tips in a single night.

If I did not have such a fear of being tossed out on the streets of Juneau (only to be eaten by a bear and shat out next to a dumpster that no one can open to put their trash in BECAUSE IT IS BEAR PROOF) I would go up to the managers of these pseudo-dinning establishments and give them a few tips about how services could be improved slightly so that I would want to eat out more and give a larger tip.

If, in the end, dinning out in Juneau is not enough to make you want to learn to start cooking your own dinners at home with a hand-me-down recipe book, all while hoping in the back of your mind you could be the next Julia Child, then I don’t know what will.


Author: Youseph

Cohost of the TransMissions Podcast. Writer, Blogger, Musician.

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